the given, the background to our nature. Born/
with all our grief/ already in us, like teeth. But teeth,
when they give you trouble—you go to the dentist.
Sit in the chair, open your mouth, submit to the sickle
probe and the scaler, the drill and suction device. Grief
lodges somewhere deeper than the gum, deeper than
a root canal procedure could numb then clean out
the damaged interior. The very young new dentist
is astonished. She says, You have quite a lot of dental work,
the same way one might say Do you not brush your teeth,
don't you have insurance? And you wonder if grief and pain
have somehow been miraculously eradicated while you
slept. You do—you do the hygiene, the irrigation, even
knowing all this was there before you even started.
~ after Kevin Young, "Underworld (Circle Three)," Night Watch
Integral
Up and to my office, where all the morning, and dined at home, Mr. Deane, of Woolwich, with me, and he and I all the afternoon down by water, and in a timber yard, measuring of timber, which I now understand thoroughly, and shall be able in a little time to do the King great service.
Home in the evening, and after Will’s reading a little in the Latin Testament, to bed.
in a home
the timber
in timber
time
in a will
the testament
Erasure poem derived from The Diary of Samuel Pepys, Saturday 20 June 1663.
It was
a parade of ships, passing yearly through Thimble
Shoals and the Chesapeake, into the downtown
harbor. It was the unfurled romance of barques,
wooden-hulled sloops and schooners— the Gloria,
Vela, Esmeralda, Oosterschelde. When and If, Patton’s
dream to sail around the world when the war was over,
and if he lived through it. A solemn choir of brown
pelicans watches from the docks, their own six-
foot sails folded. In the 1500s, Magellan's fleet
took a year and a half to reach the Philippines
from Spain. Container ships from Shanghai arrive
at the port terminal in just over a month. The pelican
dives from 60 feet in the air to spear a fish. It tilts
its head a little sideways, then swallows it whole.
Heard in a seashell
Lay till 6 o’clock, and then up and to my office, where all the morning, and at noon to the Exchange, and coming home met Mr. Creed, and took him back, and he dined with me, and by and by came Mr. Moore, whom I supplied with 30l., and then abroad with them by water to Lambeth, expecting to have seen the Archbishop lie in state; but it seems he is not laid out yet. And so over to White Hall, and at the Privy Seal Office examined the books, and found the grant of increase of salary to the principall officers in the year 1639, 300l. among the Controller, Surveyor, and Clerk of the Shippes. Thence to Wilkinson’s after a good walk in the Park, where we met on horseback Captain Ferrers; who tells us that the King of France is well again, and that he saw him train his Guards, all brave men, at Paris; and that when he goes to his mistress, Madame la Valiere, a pretty little woman, now with child by him, he goes with his guards with him publiquely, and his trumpets and kettle-drums with him, who stay before the house while he is with her; and yet he says that, for all this, the Queen do not know of it, for that nobody dares to tell her; but that I dare not believe. Thence I to Wilkinson’s, where we had bespoke a dish of pease, where we eat them very merrily, and there being with us the little gentleman, a friend of Captain Ferrers, that was with my wife and I at a play a little while ago, we went thence to the Rhenish wine-house, where we called for a red Rhenish wine called Bleahard, a pretty wine, and not mixed, as they say.
Here Mr. Moore showed us the French manner, when a health is drunk, to bow to him that drunk to you, and then apply yourself to him, whose lady’s health is drunk, and then to the person that you drink to, which I never knew before; but it seems it is now the fashion.
Thence by water home and to bed, having played out of my chamber window on my pipe before I went to bed, and making Will read a part of a Latin chapter, in which I perceive in a little while he will be pretty ready, if he spends but a little pains in it.
I have seen the sea
the ships go on
a child with his trumpet
who says NO
nobody to believe
or bow to but
the wind
Erasure poem derived from The Diary of Samuel Pepys, Friday 19 June 1663.
It was
all I ate, in a fever—the world
and its salt cracklings, a world
of bitter aftertastes washed down
with weak dispatches about how all
shall be well. Oh, don't mistake my
sadness for a hardness of heart.
On the contrary, I am constantly
accused of having been too trusting,
too soft rather than steely in resolve.
Thus have I been made to hang my head
in shame, though I paw at the rocky ground
with my hooves to signify that even then, I
didn't, don't, give all of myself up. Inside,
there's a room where I refuse to be pummeled.
Inmate
Up by four o’clock and to my office, where all the morning writing out in my Navy collections the ordinary estimate of the Navy, and did it neatly. Then dined at home alone, my mind pleased with business, but sad for the absence of my wife. After dinner half an hour at my viallin, and then all the afternoon sitting at the office late, and so home and to bed. This morning Mr. Cutler came and sat in my closet half an hour with me, his discourse very excellent, being a wise man, and I do perceive by him as well as many others that my diligence is taken notice of in the world, for which I bless God and hope to continue doing so.
Before I went into my house this night I called at Sir W. Batten’s, where finding some great ladies at table at supper with him and his lady, I retreated and went home, though they called to me again and again, and afterwards sent for me. So I went, and who should it be but Sir Fr. Clerke and his lady and another proper lady at supper there, and great cheer, where I staid till 11 o’clock at night, and so home and to bed.
all morning writing in
the ordinary sad
absence of my wife
sitting in my cell
I perceive as well as others
the world is all I eat
and I retreat
to it here
Erasure poem derived from The Diary of Samuel Pepys, Thursday 18 June 1663.
It was
the rough shine of water coursing from the cast-
iron pump upon a concrete slab. It was the flapping
of loose shingles and the high shriek of a nightjar
from dusk to dawn. A tangle of sweet potato vines
crept toward your feet as if to say You think
your grief is original but what do you really know
of how things learn to sweeten in the dark?
As you've always been told, you should learn
not to look directly at the sun. You should
learn to trust what stands there year after year.
The mountains. The sea. The outcroppings
of rock on whose ledges birds and mummies
perch, harmoniously. There is change, just not
always visible. There is also the unchanged.
Entrepreneur
Up before 4 o’clock, which is the hour I intend now to rise at, and to my office a while, and with great pleasure I fell to my business again. Anon went with money to my tar merchant to pay for the tar, which he refuses to sell me; but now the master is come home, and so he speaks very civilly, and I believe we shall have it with peace. I brought back my money to my office, and thence to White Hall, and in the garden spoke to my Lord Sandwich, who is in his gold-buttoned suit, as the mode is, and looks nobly. Captain Ferrers, I see, is come home from France. I only spoke one word to him, my Lord being there. He tells me the young gentlemen are well there; so my Lord went to my Lord Albemarle’s to dinner, and I by water home and dined alone, and at the office (after half an hour’s viallin practice after dinner) till late at night, and so home and to bed.
This day I sent my cozen Edward Pepys his Lady, at my cozen Turner’s, a piece of venison given me yesterday, and Madam Turner I sent for a dozen bottles of her’s, to fill with wine for her.
This day I met with Pierce the surgeon, who tells me that the King has made peace between Mr. Edward Montagu and his father Lord Montagu, and that all is well again; at which; for the family’s sake, I am very glad, but do not think it will hold long.
the pleasure merchant
refuses to speak
his gold-buttoned suit
is from France
you are an hour’s violin
a piece of venison
a bottle for his urge
for the family’s sake
Erasure poem derived from The Diary of Samuel Pepys, Wednesday 17 June 1663.
It was
always the messy and nonlinear parts
that confounded. Not the science, nor
the idea of evidence only as a certain
type of artifact that may be recorded
and tagged, measured, assigned space
in a catalog. But one should be able to walk
into an archive and perceive the lushness
of that time in the feel of paper, the sudden
hurt in the curved darkness of tortoiseshell
combs resting on a vanity. Nothing could have
prepared me for the tenderness of tattered
bedclothes, dust in every crevice of wooden
cookie molds, the faded cursive on the flyleaf
of a missal: My dearest— a message cut in half.
It was
the forms of our diligence, the meek
demeanor, the tongue held in check
that pleased the elders. We held back
our appetites, letting others go first,
whether that meant the heel of a loaf
or a last pail of bath water. But it was
their strange admiration of those unlike
us—their friends' fair children who spoke
impeccable English and were fluent in
French or Italian, and knew how to be
cheeky in all of them. They traveled.
They carried themselves with a certain
élan. It was the impossible, the alluring
contradiction between home and the world.

