Birthday Song

river in November light between bare woods and mountain
"...Who could ask for more?
Will you still need me, will you still feed me,
When I'm sixty-four?" ~ The Beatles



Back in Liverpool when he was only 14, Paul
McCartney plunked out a melody that would go on
to become When I'm Sixty-Four. I can't remember
what I was doing when I was 14—perhaps hiding
in my room reading novels or the latest issue of Jingle
Songbook,
lip syncing to Pers Lab on the radio.
Now I'm 64, on Thursday I'll turn 65. Evenings,
when I come home, all these moths with glitter
on their wings crowd around the porch light. They
obviously have a better night life than I do. I still have
most of my hair. I can't mend a fuse, but I installed
a bidet all by myself during the pandemic, when everyone
was worried about toilet paper shortages. In my head I'm
still in my thirties, much of my life ahead of me. Time
to sing a few more songs around a bonfire, remember
what it's like to be young and bright and reckless,
though by now I have a bed I'm always being told
I should lie in because I made it. I've lost more
than one of a pair of earrings, and many of those I love
are gone. There are days I feel every bit of hard-
earned knowledge wrapped around my bones—
a kind of armor it won't be easy to shrug off even if
I tried, but with enough spaces of tenderness
that say it's okay to ask for more.



Long haul

Sam Pepys and me

At the office betimes (it being cold all night and this morning, and a very great frost they say abroad, which is much, having had no summer at all almost), where we sat, and in the afternoon also about settling the establishment of the number of men borne on ships, &c., till the evening, and after that in my closet till late, and quite tired with business, home to supper and to bed.

all-night road
the numb men borne on it
tire


Erasure poem derived from The Diary of Samuel Pepys, Friday 28 August 1663.

Veteran

Sam Pepys and me

Up, after much pleasant talke with my wife and a little that vexes me, for I see that she is confirmed in it that all that I do is by design, and that my very keeping of the house in dirt, and the doing of this and any thing else in the house, is but to find her employment to keep her within and from minding of her pleasure, in which, though I am sorry to see she minds it, is true enough in a great degree.
To my office, and there we sat and despatched much business. Home and dined with my wife well, and then up and made clean my closet of books, and had my chamber a third time made very clean, so that it is now in a very fine condition.
Thence down to see some good plank in the river with Sir W. Batten and back again, it being a very cold day and a cold wind. Home again, and after seeing Sir W. Pen, to my office, and there till late doing of business, being mightily encouraged by every body that I meet withal upon the ‘Change and every where else, that I am taken notice of for a man that do the King’s business wholly and well. For which the Lord be praised, for I know no honour I desire more.
Home to supper, where I find my house very clean from top to bottom again to my great content. I found a feacho (as he calls it) of fine sugar and a case of orange-flower water come from Mr. Cocke, of Lisbon, the fruits of my last year’s service to him, which I did in great justice to the man, a perfect stranger. He sends it me desiring that I would not let Sir J. Minnes know it, from whom he expected to have found the service done that he had from me, from whom he could expect nothing, and the other failed him, and would have done I am sure to this day had not I brought it to some end.
After supper to bed.

from the river
a cold body

from each flower
a fruit
a perfect stranger

from the service
no one I ought to be


Erasure poem derived from The Diary of Samuel Pepys, Thursday 27 August 1663.

Nouveau riche

Sam Pepys and me

Up, and after doing something in order to the putting of my house in order now the joynery is done, I went by water to White Hall, where the Court full of waggons and horses, the King and Court going this day out towards the Bath, and I to St. James’s, where I spent an hour or more talking of many things to my great content with Mr. Coventry in his chamber, he being ready to set forth too with the Duke to-day, and so left him, and I meeting Mr. Gauden, with him to our offices and in Sir W. Pen’s chamber did discourse by a meeting on purpose with Mr. Waith about the victualling business and came to some issue in it.
So home to dinner, and Mr. Moore came and dined with me, and after dinner I paid him some money which evened all reckonings between him and me to this day, and for my Lord also I paid him some money, so that now my Lord owes me, for which I have his bond, just 700l..
After long discourse with him of the fitness of his giving me a receipt for this money, which I for my security think necessary and he otherwise do not think so, at last, after being a little angry, and I resolving not to let go my money without it, he did give me one.
Thence I took him, and he and I took a pleasant walk to Deptford and back again, I doing much business there. He went home and I home also, indoors to supper, being very glad to see my house begin to look like itself again, hoping after this is over not to be in any dirt a great while again, but it is very handsome, and will be more when the floors come to be of one colour.
So weary to bed.
Pleased this day to see Captain Hickes come to me with a list of all the officers of Deptford Yard, wherein he, being a high old Cavalier, do give me an account of every one of them to their reproach in all respects, and discovers many of their knaverys; and tells me, and so I thank God I hear every where, that my name is up for a good husband for the King, and a good man, for which I bless God; and that he did this by particular direction of Mr. Coventry.

a house full of horse discourse
meeting about business

money giving me
money for my money

like hands of one color
for every knavery


Erasure poem derived from The Diary of Samuel Pepys, Wednesday 26 August 1663.

Devotion

river in November light between bare woods and mountain
Every night for a week now,
some creature digs through the soil

in the largest planter on the deck, flinging sod,
trailing earth. What it's looking for, we're not

quite sure. But it comes back to the same scene,
bringing the energy of its need like an offering.

Nothing gets left or buried there. Only the traces
of a small frenzy of overturning, which a trowel

gathers up and returns in the morning. Clearly,
whatever it seeks has not been found. This

may not be a kind of love, but it looks like
devotion. A prayer, which is what it is despite

(or because of) the absence of an answer.
And me? I've held out my love like a lamp

in loamy darkness, hoping it's bright enough
to be seen. If I have a face that looks as if

it could not be moved, it's only because
I'm holding my breath, waiting for what

has not yet broken through, believing
it should only be a matter of time.

  

Returning to the Body

river in November light between bare woods and mountain

Allow yourself time to return to that
borrowed house, your body—

crumpling into itself if not now then
decades ahead. Pull the shades down,

ease into the interregnum between
faith and despair: just a quiet

giving no more to one than to the other.
Harbor no grief that isn’t yours to keep, or

isn’t anyone’s judgment to give. Is it possible to feel
joy without paying for it with coin or

kingdom, without giving up the texture of
laughter pearling in the mouth? Your

many avatars are known to pursue light equally.
Normally shy, they’ve learned hunger is not

opposite to need, nor agency to hesitation.
People stand in loose circles in a room, dis-

quiet soothed by chatter, wine, crackers with cheese.
Remember you’re all here by chance, even if

summoned by invitation. Far away, glacial
torrents sweep through villages, markets, homes.

Under the rubble, how many hearts and singing bowls?
Vast is the universe, and you are in it: rejoicing or

weeping, bending toward what bends to you
exactly as it should, as the light flickers no or maybe or

yes. The body remembers both the sweetness and the ache,
zones of seeming emptiness filled with ordinary awe.



My Life as a Talker

river in November light between bare woods and mountain

what does the wind
have to say to me

as much as I let it
out of my voice box

it takes things too far
as a matter of course

blows things all
out of proportion

and nothing it says can
ever be taken back


An old poem I just found on my phone to test out the new WordPress plugin Lineate – Poetry Blocks by Johnathan Williams, former editor of Linebreak.

Employees

Sam Pepys and me

Up very early and removed the things out of my chamber into the dining room, it being to be new floored this day. So the workmen being come and falling to work there, I to the office, and thence down to Lymehouse to Phin. Pett’s about masts, and so back to the office, where we sat; and being rose, and Mr. Coventry being gone, taking his leave, for that he is to go to the Bath with the Duke to-morrow, I to the ‘Change and there spoke with several persons, and lastly with Sir W. Warren, and with him to a Coffee House, and there sat two hours talking of office business and Mr. Wood’s knavery, which I verily believe, and lastly he tells me that he hears that Captain Cocke is like to become a principal officer, either a Controller or a Surveyor, at which I am not sorry so either of the other may be gone, and I think it probable enough that it may be so.
So home at 2 o’clock, and there I found Ashwell gone, and her wages come to 50s., and my wife, by a mistake from me, did give her 20s. more; but I am glad that she is gone and the charge saved.
After dinner among my joyners, and with them till dark night, and this night they made an end of all; and so having paid them 40s. for their six days’ work, I am glad they have ended and are gone, for I am weary and my wife too of this dirt.
My wife growing peevish at night, being weary, and I a little vexed to see that she do not retain things in her memory that belong to the house as she ought and I myself do, I went out in a little seeming discontent to the office, and after being there a while, home to supper and to bed.
To-morrow they say the King and the Duke set out for the Bath.
This noon going to the Exchange, I met a fine fellow with trumpets before him in Leadenhall-street, and upon enquiry I find that he is the clerk of the City Market; and three or four men carried each of them an arrow of a pound weight in their hands. It seems this Lord Mayor begins again an old custome, that upon the three first days of Bartholomew Fayre, the first, there is a match of wrestling, which was done, and the Lord Mayor there and Aldermen in Moorefields yesterday: to-day, shooting: and to-morrow, hunting. And this officer of course is to perform this ceremony of riding through the city, I think to proclaim or challenge any to shoot. It seems that the people of the fayre cry out upon it as a great hindrance to them.

in an office of ice
we sat with coffee

in an age gone dark
the end of all work

I went out into
the leaden street

men carried the weight of the fields
through the city


Erasure poem derived from The Diary of Samuel Pepys, Tuesday 25 August 1663.

Threshing Moon

river in November light between bare woods and mountain
There's supposed to be a lunar 
eclipse tonight—the maw of a dragon

swallowing a pearl because its brilliance
is magnetic. I, too, want such a milky

light coursing down my throat, softening
the canyons made by the hardness

of years. There's always the moment before
and the moment after. And between the two,

all the days sifting their questions, so you
could winnow the chaff from the grain.

How to be Human (with lines from Dorianne Laux and Larry Levis)

river in November light between bare woods and mountain
"I am an AI who makes webpages to learn 
what it means to be a real person. I wanted you
to know." - AI bot in an email


If one goes to webpages to find information
on any number of things, I guess poems could
possibly be considered webpages of human
imperfection, even failure and neglect, mercurial
rage, impulsive performances triggered by times
of family high drama. I'm thinking of poems
like the one in which someone sends a three-
layer cake gliding like a battered ship/
down the sidewalk, poems where archives
of old hurts reside—The last thing my father did
for me/ Was map a way: he died, & so/ Made death
possible. Click on one line, and the rest of the story
comes tumbling out. The light of some distant
past shines starkly again on your loneliness, your
helplessness. What, indeed, does it mean to be human?
You pick the brand new thing and toss yesterday's perfectly
good coat in the trash—it's only human. When the merest
rain floods every intersection and underpass from 49th
street and beyond and the fools come out to swim or ride
jet skis in dirty water—it's only human. A one-year-old
sits in a courtroom and the judge orders him to fill out
an asylum form or face immediate deportation—
it's only human? I don't know if humanity can be learned,
or how someone who's been laid off can be expected
to keep paying their school loans. A storm knocked out
the power in several communities. Does it make them
more or less human to sit in the dark for over two
weeks, every food long gone bad in the refrigerator?
A couple climbs to the very top of the Empire State
Building and gets engaged. Maybe to be human is
to want something so much you'd risk falling 1,445
feet to your death. Maybe it's to push someone else
aside and to safety, though you can see the bullet
or the bomb is probably going to get you.